Melissa Malone wanted to make last Christmas special for her mother. Her dementia had progressed, and Malone wasn't sure they would get another chance to celebrate together.
Caring for a loved one with dementia can be extra challenging during the holidays, so Malone carefully planned ahead and made adjustments to help her mom and the rest of her family enjoy the festivities.
“We made her all of her favorite foods, and we put on familiar music that she grew up with, we put on the classic Christmas movies that she loved, just to jog any bit of memory that she had,” said Malone.
Malone was caring for her mom at home after she moved her out of a memory care facility so that she could spend the time she had left surrounded by family.
Adjusting how you communicate is key
Malone staggered guests' arrivals for their Christmas celebrations so she didn't overwhelm her mom. She had everyone introduce themselves – even close family. Malone also worked in breaks throughout the day for her mom to lie down or sit in a quiet room away from where everyone was gathered.
When talking with her mom, Malone and her family tried to stick to “yes or no” questions.
“’Mom, do you want more apple pie, yes or no? ‘Do you want to lie down, yes or no?’ ‘Do you want to open presents, yes or no?’ That really helps with communication,” she said
There were still times when conversation got confusing. Even though it can be scary and painful to witness loved ones forget something or not seem present, Malone said it’s important you don’t overcorrect or embarrass them, especially in front of other people.
“It got to the point where I was having a conversation with my mom and what she was saying made absolutely no sense,” she recalled.
“I would just go with it and we would laugh, we would talk, and I had no idea what we were talking about, but we were connected. Because I didn’t shame her and I didn’t make her feel like what she was doing was wrong because what she was doing was not wrong, she was just sick. So she kept her dignity.
That Christmas still wasn’t easy. Caregiving never is, she said.
It’s important for caregivers to take breaks and ask for help when they need it, Malone offered, because it’s exhausting and can be heartbreaking to feel like you’re losing your loved one over and over again.
“It's OK to be upset at the disease, and it's OK to be mad at the disease. But you can't be mad at the person,” she said
Spotting early signs of memory loss during the holidays
Malone credits her nursing career for providing her with some experience working with patients experiencing memory loss, but she said she still wasn’t prepared for the reality of her mother’s diagnosis.
In fact, it was during a previous holiday season that she first started noticing signs of decline.
Her mother loved Christmas, so Malone was unsettled when she visited her mother’s house one day in December 2021 and realized she hadn’t decorated for the season. Her mom was living out-of-state at the time, Malone said, so they didn’t have daily interaction. She got the sense her mom didn’t realize the holiday was approaching.
When Malone helped put up her tree, memories they cherished about ornaments weren't clicking.
Months later, a diagnosis confirmed her mother had vascular dementia.
“The signs can be so minute and so spaced out, and as a family member you're so emotionally attached and so close to them, you're almost in denial," she said. "Because no one wants to come to terms with their parent being sick or having a terminal disease.
Help is available for caregivers
The holidays may be when you start noticing signs of memory loss in family members you don't see every day.
The Alzheimer's Association created a list of things to look for that may be indicators of dementia. Those include if your loved one seems withdrawn or has trouble completing familiar tasks.
“If you notice memory loss or confusion that is abnormal for them, it’s important they get it checked out,” said Makeba Huntington-Symons, senior program manager in Tampa for the Alzheimer's Association
“Choose the right time and place to have a discussion, and be honest. Listen to them and be supportive. Early diagnosis of Alzheimer’s is important for access to new treatments that have been shown to slow the progression, enrollment in clinical trials, planning and care.”
The association offers more tips about spending holidays with loved ones living with the disease on its website, including how to harness technology to connect those who can’t visit in-person and how to involve the person with dementia in activities.
If you need someone to talk to, the association offers a free 24/7 helpline at 800-272-3900.
Malone wants more caregivers to know about resources available. She found great comfort in support groups on social media.
Malone's mom died a couple of months ago. Since then, support groups for caregivers who lost their parents have helped her develop coping skills.
Malone wants others grieving a loss to know it’s OK to take care of yourself this holiday season.
“You don’t have to celebrate if you don’t feel like it. … If you just want to be home, if you want to honor that person, you don’t have to explain your grief,” she said
Warning signs of dementia
- Memory loss that disrupts daily life.
- Challenges in planning or solving problems.
- Difficulty completing familiar tasks.
- Confusion with time or place.
- Trouble understanding visual images and spatial relationships.
- New problems with words in speaking or writing.
- Misplacing things and losing the ability to retrace steps.
- Decreased or poor judgement.
- Withdrawal from work or social activities.
- Changes in mood and personality.
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